Tear Worthy Moments

Last Night

His text message goes :

….papakilala mo bf mo. ‘yung di lang sino sino. ‘yung marunong di katulad ko. ‘yung mayaman di tulad ko. ‘yung kaya mong ipakilala sa parents mo di katulad ko, at mamahalin ka, di katulad ko na hindi mo minahal.”

            I was bursting in tears after reading that. I didn’t know if I was glad he was letting me go. At the back of my head, I thought that this is it, we’re actually through. And it saddens me also we won’t be able to be friends after this.

            I’m so sorry I greatly crushed his ego and confidence. Those times when we fight, I have said the worst derogatory remarks. I was the reason why he is unaffectionate. There were times when our relationship was still young, that I refused talking about our feelings. I didn’t want his feelings for me grow because I wasn’t feeling anything for him. He knew that. I told him that beforehand.

            It was I who made the monster who he is now. Only to realize I was the incompetent one. My smarts and assets do not do me anything good at all. I was vile and inconsiderate. I was demanding. I am a complete asshole to him.

I couldn’t stop crying.

After this night,  I realized that this is the time I really wanted a drink.

On Top

    There was a time when I looked down to my feet and saw multitudes of miniature buildings beneath me. My eyes wanted to swallow the view. To be atop of something, above all others is the most overwhelming feeling a person could feel. The fear of falling and the ecstasy of jumping swirled around my senses. 

Planner Slash Diary

    To somewhat exercise my typing skills. And to exploit my non-existent social life.

      So, Frank had greatly devastated everybody’s previous weekend and left our mondays with a sunshiny holiday. How ironic how that always happens, we have classes when it’s pouring cats and dogs and actually announce “no-classes” when the rain had stopped. Perhaps they wait for the streets to get flooded first before they actually  inform every body. Haha. It’s funny, they inform people when they already battled the storm going to school and get there, classes canceled and then get stranded because its flooded every where else. Hai.

      So anyway, spent my monday reading “Why we Buy It” by Paco Underhill. Fascinating book about how a person made shopping into a “science.” Then headed for a cup of coffee. Then another one after being so engrossed with the amount of detail present in the book. It’s like wow, every thing he said somehow made sense. Hmm. I even thought of trying it out in our business. >:)

    By Tuesday, I  had my acting class. I thought it would be embarassing and humiliating and yet it proved to be so much fun being silly. Ah. Alas. Getting rid of my crystalline shell. And for next meeting, we’ll be showcasing our talents. Ahahaha. That’s a tough one. Since I have a non-existent talent. Hahahahai. 

    And at the end of the day I have to see that one person who says he loves me and yet does not mean it all. Beyond the intimacy and closeness comes nothing close to romance. To simply put it, I just didn’t feel anything. It had become so casual like work. Well, I guess it takes time to tire him out of his delusions. 

    Thursday - Hectic. Reports and quizzes. It feels sophomoric. And I was so pressured because I haven’t read a single page in Marketing. (probably it made me so nervous because he told us that one could not get the chapters done if we’ll be starting on thursday). Oh well.

    Come friday, my most glorious days.  Spent like 4 hours reading 2 chapters and I actually was able to finish it. It feels like an accomplishment already because I didn’t speed read at all. Somehow it was easier to read a text book after reading Paco Underhill. By 5pm everyone was anxious. Especially me. Somehow, the professor’s expectations didn’t bother me at all, it was the expectations of my classmates that pressures me. 

    Aside: I don’t like being venerated without understanding (haha. feeling noh? pero that’s how it is.) I feel so awkward like I always have to prove to every body else that I’m this great person which I’m not. I don’t know everything. They think I do, and that’s quite bothersome. Well anyway, I dont want to further discuss these matters as it slowly eats up my adrenaline.

    Saturday. Boring. No more no less.

>ugh. Next my non-existent social life.  

Not Smart Enough

    The first week of classes had been boring, nostalgic and challenging at the same time. In my previous post, which was actually written this 17th, things felt like something old. Pardon my language but it bores me to have “old” professors, those who had stayed in the college for so long that they don’t even change their syllabus, activities, homeworks and exams. Although on the brighter side of things, I’m glad that there are those that actually wants to impart something new, and use a different approach. Thanks to fate, my theo and fil classes landed into good hands. I’ve had those two professors before, (actually I had the same professors with my other subjects) and I enjoyed being in their class. I just hope they enjoyed having me as their student. 

   I actually feel really really diffident with these two professors because they gave me such good grades and I’ve always felt I didn’t deserve them. I’ve always thought that 1.0s are for perfect, obsessive complusive people. And I’m not that kind of person. Most of the time I like to enjoy my classes rather than excrutiatingly waste my hours to study. 

    Somehow it feels good to have high grades. It builds up your confidence, a little bit. When this semester started I was apprehensive if I should start being a smart-ass in front of class. But after today, I’m starting to rethink that. Having a 1.0 doesn’t give you an excuse to be a smart-ass. I realized that I didn’t really ace the course but just met the expectations of my professors. I still have to be my modest self ( although not sounding so modest here) and kick in a lil bit of conviction in my words.

    You see, I’m more of a thinker than a speaker. It takes a lot of time for me to grasp a final idea which is why I like to just be sitted in a corner and lay quiet there. But then when you have a snappy professor, you are forced to think fast and get less cautious, less certain. I have this habbit of babbling away in a pretense of thinking. Too bad for me that doesn’t work. Seems to me, I have to speak faster than I usually think.

    I wished to stop thinking for a while. This idleness have caused me to be a lot more slow than before. I need to catch up with a lot of things. Do a lot more reading, a lot more talking and a lot more studying. Yes, studying. For the first time in my life I convinced myself that I wanted  to study. Ugh. Actually, I came up with this thought because I can’t afford to fool around, beat around the bushes. If I wanted to do something, I must stop thinking and act on it instead.   

    Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish.

Challenge Me

During one of my communication classes, I wrote down at the back of the syllabus, “Without challenge, a class is boring.” Ever since classes started, I sat down and imagined myself arguing with the professor. I’ve always wanted to be intellectually stimulated during class so as not to shift-delete the ideas being thrown at my face. I always looked forward to challenging new ideas that will actually make me critically think and analyze things. Perhaps because of lack of academic freedom or because of my constant comparison of the university and college I’ve been admitted to that I felt like I’ve been struggling with these thoughts. I’m not saying that I’ve been disappointed with the teaching methods of my current college but I feel like there’s something wrong.

            They said it was spoon feeding, others said it was sophomoric but no matter how much I critique the way a professor speaks in front, or the way he/she presents an idea it always piques my mind as to how much they know.

            I’ve always admired mentors who are always giddy of sharing the extent of what they know in front of the class instead of professors who are giddy of proclaiming how much they know. See there’s a difference between the two. I’ve met a lot of professors who have accomplished so much in their lives but always seem to think it is never enough. These are the ones that you would categorize as unusually smart or ecstatic during class hours. While there are some who act oh so high and mighty that they know everything. These are the ones who are so sure of themselves, that they are too stubborn to admit their mistakes.

But there will always be some that find pride in their job thinking that their long experience in teaching was enough. The moment I saw her syllabus, I knew that she’s one of those typical professors that the upperclassmen have been talking about. I sensed the similarity and rigidity of her topics down to her proposed activities. Same as last year’s, I said to my friend. I can’t help but think that she’s making us do these things for her own amusement.

I’ve encountered eccentric professors before, antiquated as they seem they never have lost their energy in scrutinizing ideas and opinions. But then lately, these ideas and opinions were now reduced to just facts, merely facts we are expected to memorize.

I don’t want to blame their intellectual idleness but then if the things being thrown at me are always so generic there’d be no more room for intellectual conversations. Perhaps I’m just bored, or so sick of immersing myself with useless information. Because acquiring information is for high school students. In college what we need to acquire are ideas. Ideas that will make us tick, that will inspire and make us think. As they say, an ideology can change the world. That’s what I’m looking for all throughout my college years, ideas that will shape me, and define me. But alas, I have yet to find that moment.