I Got Jean Mad

It feels a little too depressing when I saw her face, her eyebrows meeting and her wrinkled forehead. She was really mad, for real. She let out a loud scream, full of anguish, frustration and irritation. And it feels a little too bad that it’s all because of my banter.

It’s my fault.

I got way overboard. I wasn’t thinking at that moment… and like what I hated about other people, I have accidentally done to her.

I hope she forgives me. I feel so guilty inside that I can’t do anything in fear of worsening what I’ve already done. I already apologized but somehow I think that’s not enough. I feel trapped, not knowing where to go, not knowing what to do next. Somehow, I feel like a bird who is caught in her palm, struggling will cause me instant death and not doing anything will not set me free. Have you ever felt that you’re in a big room but then you can’t settle to breathe freely?

It’s unfair for her to be treated like that, just like how I treated her.

I used to feel like that too when everyone thinks that “It’s ok”, that “Everything’s going to be alright with her.” and now, I feel really bad about it.

She’s too important to me that I don’t want to lose her.

And I miss her already, knowing that she’s just right here beside me.

Everyone was stressed. We barely talk anymore. A single tug could trigger an angry outburst waiting to happen. What’s happening to us?

I cannot lay here waiting things to happen. But first I must resolve something in me before fixing the mess I just created. I hope this too will pass…
 

7 Things

My mind’s empty of ideas.

Seven things that scare you:
1. flying cockroaches
2. blood
3. being the only idiot in the room
4. not come up with the right ideas
5. fire
6. thunder
7. any crawling creature [snakes, worms, etc]

Seven things you like the most:
1. Books
2. Food ( preferably, sweets and ice cream and cotton candy)
3. Writing
4. My Notebook
5. Friends
6. Movies
7. The rainy season

Seven important things in your room:
1. My Notebook
2. My Books
3. My Bed and everything on it
4. My Dvds
5. My Iriver
6. My Shoes
7. My Clothes

Seven random facts about you:
1. i cant sleep without something soft to hug
2. i eat isaw
3. loves individuality
4. can be sweet and thoughtful when you least expect it.
5. i dont like attending morning classes
6. likes watching scary movies alone
7.

Seven things you plan to do before you die:
1. Receive a Palanca or somehting close to it. (ang feeling talaga)
2. Design a my own house.
3. become a voice talent (kahit saan)
(more…)

Seul

Sometimes I feel like my world is too small for so many people to fit inside. It has a one way door, and the moment you get in, it’s gonna be hard to get out. I enjoy being by myself, inside my pink room all the time. It just feels so weird when now, I have a house all to myself, being alone seemed to be lonely.

As a child I never liked meeting too many people all at the same time. I was perhaps exposed to too many gatherings, and parties that I hated each and every one of it. So I have been used to staying in my room, reading books, not a care in the world whatever happens downstairs.

I kinda felt happy up there. Too many people surrounding me kinda make me suffocated so much that I just wished I’’d stop breathing so they would go away and leave me be.

Most of the people who are closest to me now, are from school. Yet I may have a large circle of friends, I only have a few in the inner circle. I have been cautious of giving people trust. It had been one of my fears that if I allowed someone enter that inner circle, they have all the power to hurt me. I am afraid of getting hurt. I hated the pain, much more with the scar that it leaves behind.

When I was growing up, I avoided sports. I avoided anything that I would end up hurting myself. I was careful, not to get bruised, scratched, sprained. Biggest fear would have a body part broken. I tried to stay away as much as possible. I hated PE classes, so id make up excuses so I could skip class. Technically, I didn’t have playmates, & I’d prefer to stay at home. My yaya’s have said that I’m living a very sad life growing up alone. Although I have siblings, we just couldn’t get along with each other.

I had been so vain; I didn’t realize I haven’t been having fun. I was so cautious, uptight, and organized. I was beginning to be elusive. Everything because I was afraid of getting hurt. I’m pretty selfish.

I kinda been pretty bored….

All this time, I haven’t been taking risks…. All this time… I have been risking even more.