Writing is My Reality
Saturday, January 24, 2009I seem to have broken a pattern. I just have to write this down.
Things to do:
Not eat rice or bread for a week. I guess I’ll be living on pastas.
Wake up early. This means, I have to put on the alarm.
Study. Make homeworks, catch up with classes and study for exams.
Dedicate my free time to thesis writing.
Find a professional thesis consultant and editor.
Do the AC Times Layout.
Take responsibility for school orgs.
Be thrifty.
Get a new laptop.
Organize. Plan. Schedule.
Exercise for real.
Get my own place just for a month. I’m willing to pay for it.
Stop sleeping too much.
Stop watching movies too much.
Get a heart.
Show emotion, appreciation.
Last Straw
Wednesday, January 14, 2009by ishda from peyups.com
I am tired of writing about you. I am tired of reading the same regretful lines, the same sad story over and over again. I hate the fact that you make a hopeless romantic sucker out of me. I hate you for making me regret things even if it all happened five years ago. I am stuck in a deep rut because of you. I hate you more for making me hope and making me wait for you to come back so we can start all over again.
I am so stupid for believing that somehow, you still feel the same about me. If you really want me back, you should have come for me a long time ago. I was a fool for believing only the things I want to see. I was a fool for nurturing the memories and keeping it alive deep within my heart for five years.
I should have known this before—you’re a big coward, a big baby who doesn’t want to grow up. You wasted your time whining and complaining about your life when you already have so much. You masked your fear and cowardice perfectly well. I told myself that your spoiled-brat attitude is a mere manifestation of creative angst, that you’ll get over it in a few years and you’ll make it big someday.
Five years has passed. Our lives have changed so much, but not my feelings. Not my goddamn feelings. I’m still in love with the angst-ridden boy I met five years ago. I am still in love with the fact that once in my life, somebody loved me the way you did; that I once hurt for someone as much as I did for you.
But you know what, life has finally slapped me awake. You’re totally over me—that I should accept. I am no longer you’re true north; I no longer make you feel as if the stars and the moon exist because of the two of us; I no longer make you feel as if you could fight the world weaponless for me. I am no longer “the one”.
Letting go and moving on for real has never felt this sad and liberating. Admittedly, you’ll always have that softest spot in my heart. No one can ever take your place. I’m quite sure that I’ll never fall in love with somebody the way I fell for you. But that’s okay. Maybe when my life is over, I’d look back and smile at the memories I lovingly preserved deep inside my stupid, young heart. Maybe I wont shed a single tear anymore, and maybe, just maybe, I’ll thank the heavens above for enlightening me and making me understand that it has never been us and there will never be us in this lifetime.
Goodbye my friend. Now I’m convinced that I was never your soulmate, that I was never for you. Maybe somebody out there is waiting for me. Or maybe not. Nevertheless, life should be more than regrets and tears or waiting for something that will never come.
Goodbye Andrei. And thank you for the memories.
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Ishda decided to put this artik in the Personal Thoughts Section because she feels that this was written more for herself than for Andrei. This is going to be the last time that she’ll ever write about him.
9 Things I’ve Learned from Love
Monday, January 5, 2009
Girl: What’s wrong with admitting that I love him?
What’s wrong with calling or visiting him because I’m worried?
What’s wrong with wanting to do everything for him?
I could have a line of guys begging for me if I wanted. I could but I wouldn’t you know why?
Guy: You could? Then make me beg for you.
- Seducing Mr. Perfect
On Dating, Relationships and Break-Ups
1. Love doesn’t happen by chance. It happens by choice. People you develop a relationship with are not just random people you meet. These are the people you attract because you subconsciously want them to. And honey, you don’t just give in to just anyone who passes by right? So it’s still your choice to give the relationship, a try and a chance.
2. Love means work. Do not rely on destiny or fate. You’re old enough to know that you make your own destiny and you could never ever fall into the mistake of relying everything to fate. So he loves you now but that doesn’t mean you have to be complacent in believing he’ll love you forever. You two have to do your own share on things. Keeping a relationship isn’t that easy, its not really give and take, its more of the willingness to be open, honest and respectful.
3. To have the perfect man, be the perfect woman. A beautiful lady once said that, “If I wanted to have the perfect man, then I’ll have to be the perfect woman. So I’m going to work hard to be that person so that when the day comes, we’ll be perfect for each other.” If you want to be treated like a queen, you have to act like a queen. Some girls have complained that their guys have been taking them for granted. Truth is, they wouldn’t if you wouldn’t let them. Most girls tolerate a guy’s insensitivity, and guys get used to it. The reason they become complete jerks and assholes is because you let them treat you like that. So snap out of it, become the person that you wanted to be treated right.
4. Feed his ego. One way to make him fall for you, is to make him feel good about himself. Careful not to over do this ’cause you’ll look pathetic. Rule of thumb is to keep it simple and
subtle. A sweet smile every time you say thank you, a second brush of your hand to his arm while having a conversation, a compliment through saying your favorite color is the exact color of the shirt he’s wearing. This will already do 
5. Mind games. If you’re both into toying with each others heads (because you can’t just stop grinning every single time you deliver a seemingly effective line) then go ahead savor the game of love. Just make sure that you’re playing on the same team, and are in it to win each other’s hearts. But if it becomes a competition, keeping tabs, not letting the other party win over, somebody’s really going to lose and have his/her heart broken.
6. Self-respect. Be sure to keep this intact because you’re going to end up being taken advantage of and used. Not because you love him, you should be always the one giving in to whatever he wants. Not because you love him, you should just go do everything for him. Throw. Fawn. Sacrifice. Know your worth and like what I’ve said, let him do his share. Having self-respect for yourself entails knowing that girls have egos and dignity and acknowledging the fact that you need those two things for guys to treat you right.
7. A complete surrender means vulnerability. The first one to give in to his/her feelings, doesn’t necessarily lose, but is the person prone to get hurt. There’s nothing wrong with this. Just keep in mind that giving yourself to that person already gives him/her the right to hurt you. So be careful, don’t give in too easily. (Take it from me, it hurts like hell.)
8. Look beyond the words. Not every thing that comes out of his/her mouth is true. Not because they’re lying or anything. It’s a defense mechanism to deny what they are feeling so they try to tell you the opposite. Why? Just to save face, no one wants to look like an idiot, right? Some would try to shoo you away but secretly want you badly. Or worse, tell you that they like you when all they want is to get into your pants. Words doesn’t always express one’s feelings. So how do you know if he/she’s telling the real deal? Only you can tell, without a shadow of doubt.
9. Stop blaming yourself for whatever went wrong. Mistakes happen and they are there for a reason. And it’s to learn. So learn. My gawd. If you don’t know what went wrong then ask. That’s what closures are for. If not, try to depict a pattern (there usually is) and try to see what’s the missing link between you and the perfect relationship. It’s not always your fault that things didn’t turn out too well. If it didn’t work out, it just simply says they’re not the right guys for you.
*Scratch.
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Other quotes that were sources of my inspiration:
Why use manipulation if we can’t discover one’s true feelings?
Have you been happy in that sort of relationship?
After all that’s happened, I miss the old me.
Instead of calculating, I want to be honest.
Instead of receiving, I want to give.
Instead of hiding, I want to let out all my feelings…
