Denying Love

Okay, I didn’t expect my next update will happen in an antiquated computer shop, typing aimlessly away from the confides of my pnk room and friggin low batt notebook.

So, you’d think that I never cared, not a single bit. But think again. I would never have spent that afternon with you, that afternoon roaming around my campus, my beloved diliman campus, secretly covering my face in shame. It’s a sin to walk about around campus with a guy beside you. I once said to my UP kada. And there I was, pretending to be a tour guide to you, eating isaw and drenching under the cold rain. If I really never gave serious thought about you, I would never have showed up in the first place. I never had wasted my time with you covered in a secret and a shame I carry on my shoulders.

But there was one problem, from the whole time I was with you, I wished to myself to tell you that, that would be the last time I could see you, that that wave of goodbye would be really my last.

Although I bear no regrets in pushing you away from me, away from my vulnerable feelings, I couldn’t help look back into those moments. Sometimes, it sounds sweet, cynical but most of the time, it really sounds stupid. I want to just *toink* myself for doing such a thing.

What thing?

For going on with that risk. and further putting an end to that risk I started.

I knew letting you in my life would be a very bad idea. But I didn’t heed my own voice. I allowed myself to be swept away by giddy feelings and a rush of excitement.

I felt guilty during those times I throw back sarcastic and witty, off-put lines at you. But that was my only way to push you away. I can;t let you in any further. I cant let you stay any longer. Not that I want to get rid of you, I just dont want things to go a higher level. It’s a complicated thing, between us, and you know that, you have full knowledge about that.

*To be continued*