Seul

Sometimes I feel like my world is too small for so many people to fit inside. It has a one way door, and the moment you get in, it’s gonna be hard to get out. I enjoy being by myself, inside my pink room all the time. It just feels so weird when now, I have a house all to myself, being alone seemed to be lonely.

As a child I never liked meeting too many people all at the same time. I was perhaps exposed to too many gatherings, and parties that I hated each and every one of it. So I have been used to staying in my room, reading books, not a care in the world whatever happens downstairs.

I kinda felt happy up there. Too many people surrounding me kinda make me suffocated so much that I just wished I’’d stop breathing so they would go away and leave me be.

Most of the people who are closest to me now, are from school. Yet I may have a large circle of friends, I only have a few in the inner circle. I have been cautious of giving people trust. It had been one of my fears that if I allowed someone enter that inner circle, they have all the power to hurt me. I am afraid of getting hurt. I hated the pain, much more with the scar that it leaves behind.

When I was growing up, I avoided sports. I avoided anything that I would end up hurting myself. I was careful, not to get bruised, scratched, sprained. Biggest fear would have a body part broken. I tried to stay away as much as possible. I hated PE classes, so id make up excuses so I could skip class. Technically, I didn’t have playmates, & I’d prefer to stay at home. My yaya’s have said that I’m living a very sad life growing up alone. Although I have siblings, we just couldn’t get along with each other.

I had been so vain; I didn’t realize I haven’t been having fun. I was so cautious, uptight, and organized. I was beginning to be elusive. Everything because I was afraid of getting hurt. I’m pretty selfish.

I kinda been pretty bored….

All this time, I haven’t been taking risks…. All this time… I have been risking even more.