Writing is My Reality

I seem to have broken a pattern. I just have to write this down.

 Things to do:

Not eat rice or bread for a week. I guess I’ll be living on pastas.

Wake up early. This means, I have to put on the alarm.

Study. Make homeworks, catch up with classes and study for exams.

Dedicate my free time to thesis writing.

Find a professional thesis consultant and editor.

Do the AC Times Layout.

Take responsibility for school orgs.

Be thrifty.

Get a new laptop.

Organize. Plan. Schedule.

 Exercise for real.

Get my own place just for a month. I’m willing to pay for it.

Stop sleeping too much.

Stop watching movies too much.

Get a heart.

Show emotion, appreciation. 

Last Straw

by ishda from peyups.com

I am tired of writing about you. I am tired of reading the same regretful lines, the same sad story over and over again. I hate the fact that you make a hopeless romantic sucker out of me. I hate you for making me regret things even if it all happened five years ago. I am stuck in a deep rut because of you. I hate you more for making me hope and making me wait for you to come back so we can start all over again.

I am so stupid for believing that somehow, you still feel the same about me. If you really want me back, you should have come for me a long time ago. I was a fool for believing only the things I want to see. I was a fool for nurturing the memories and keeping it alive deep within my heart for five years.

I should have known this before—you’re a big coward, a big baby who doesn’t want to grow up. You wasted your time whining and complaining about your life when you already have so much. You masked your fear and cowardice perfectly well. I told myself that your spoiled-brat attitude is a mere manifestation of creative angst, that you’ll get over it in a few years and you’ll make it big someday.

Five years has passed. Our lives have changed so much, but not my feelings. Not my goddamn feelings. I’m still in love with the angst-ridden boy I met five years ago. I am still in love with the fact that once in my life, somebody loved me the way you did; that I once hurt for someone as much as I did for you.

But you know what, life has finally slapped me awake. You’re totally over me—that I should accept. I am no longer you’re true north; I no longer make you feel as if the stars and the moon exist because of the two of us; I no longer make you feel as if you could fight the world weaponless for me. I am no longer “the one”.

Letting go and moving on for real has never felt this sad and liberating. Admittedly, you’ll always have that softest spot in my heart. No one can ever take your place. I’m quite sure that I’ll never fall in love with somebody the way I fell for you. But that’s okay. Maybe when my life is over, I’d look back and smile at the memories I lovingly preserved deep inside my stupid, young heart. Maybe I wont shed a single tear anymore, and maybe, just maybe, I’ll thank the heavens above for enlightening me and making me understand that it has never been us and there will never be us in this lifetime.

Goodbye my friend. Now I’m convinced that I was never your soulmate, that I was never for you. Maybe somebody out there is waiting for me. Or maybe not. Nevertheless, life should be more than regrets and tears or waiting for something that will never come.

Goodbye Andrei. And thank you for the memories.

*****************

Ishda decided to put this artik in the Personal Thoughts Section because she feels that this was written more for herself than for Andrei. This is going to be the last time that she’ll ever write about him.

9 Things I’ve Learned from Love

*Comments, Suggestions or Violent Reactions are advised.*
Girl: What’s wrong with admitting that I love him?
       What’s wrong with calling or visiting him because I’m worried?
       What’s wrong with wanting to do everything for him?
       I could have a line of guys begging for me if I wanted. I could but I wouldn’t you know why?

Guy: You could? Then make me beg for you.

On arguing why cling to an ex that took her for granted
- Seducing Mr. Perfect

9 Things I’ve (or Should’ve) Learned from Love
On Dating, Relationships and Break-Ups

Ask anyone, all they ever yearned for is the one. Thousands of books have been written, rules have been laid out, for some all it takes is to follow them. But what most people don’t know is that love is a philosophy. Finding the right one takes more than the usual ordinary rituals.

1. Love doesn’t happen by chance. It happens by choice. People you develop a relationship with are not just random people you meet. These are the people you attract because you subconsciously want them to. And honey, you don’t just give in to just anyone who passes by right? So it’s still your choice to give the relationship, a try and a chance. 

2. Love means work. Do not rely on destiny or fate. You’re old enough to know that you make your own destiny and you could never ever fall into the mistake of relying everything to fate. So he loves you now but that doesn’t mean you have to be complacent in believing he’ll love you forever. You two have to do your own share on things. Keeping a relationship isn’t that easy, its not really give and take, its more of the willingness to be open, honest and respectful.

3. To have the perfect man, be the perfect woman. A beautiful lady once said that, “If I wanted to have the perfect man, then I’ll have to be the perfect woman. So I’m going to work hard to be that person so that when the day comes, we’ll be perfect for each other.” If you want to be treated like a queen, you have to act like a queen. Some girls have complained that their guys have been taking them for granted. Truth is, they wouldn’t  if you wouldn’t let them. Most girls tolerate a guy’s insensitivity, and guys get used to it. The reason they become complete jerks and assholes is because you let them treat you like that. So snap out of it, become the person that you wanted to be treated right.

4. Feed his ego. One way to make him fall for you, is to make him feel good about himself. Careful not to over do this ’cause you’ll look pathetic. Rule of thumb is to keep it simple and
subtle. A sweet smile every time you say thank you, a second brush of your hand to his arm while having a conversation, a compliment through saying your favorite color is the exact color of the shirt he’s wearing. This will already do

5. Mind games. If you’re both into toying with each others heads (because you can’t just stop grinning every single time you deliver a seemingly effective line) then go ahead savor the game of love. Just make sure that you’re playing on the same team, and are in it to win each other’s hearts. But if it becomes a competition, keeping tabs, not letting the other party win over, somebody’s really going to lose and have his/her heart broken.

6. Self-respect. Be sure to keep this intact because you’re going to end up being taken advantage of and used. Not because you love him, you should be always the one giving in to whatever he wants. Not because you love him, you should just go do everything for him. Throw. Fawn. Sacrifice. Know your worth and like what I’ve said, let him do his share. Having self-respect for yourself entails knowing that girls have egos and dignity and acknowledging the fact that you need those two things for guys to treat you right.

7. A complete surrender means vulnerability. The first one to give in to his/her feelings, doesn’t necessarily lose, but is the person prone to get hurt. There’s nothing wrong with this. Just keep in mind that giving yourself to that person already gives him/her the right to hurt you. So be careful, don’t give in too easily. (Take it from me, it hurts like hell.)

8. Look beyond the words. Not every thing that comes out of his/her mouth is true. Not because they’re lying or anything. It’s a defense mechanism to deny what they are feeling so they try to tell you the opposite. Why? Just to save face, no one wants to look like an idiot, right? Some would try to shoo you away but secretly want you badly. Or worse, tell you that they like you when all they want is to get into your pants. Words doesn’t always express one’s feelings. So how do you know if he/she’s telling the real deal? Only you can tell, without a shadow of doubt.

9. Stop blaming yourself for whatever went wrong. Mistakes happen and they are there for a reason. And it’s to learn. So learn. My gawd. If you don’t know what went wrong then ask. That’s what closures are for. If not, try to depict a pattern (there usually is) and try to see what’s the missing link between you and the perfect relationship. It’s not always your fault that things didn’t turn out too well. If it didn’t work out, it just simply says they’re not the right guys for you.

*Scratch.
~~~~
Other quotes that were sources of my inspiration:

What if, in manipulating people we lose the pleasure of an honest conversation.
Why use manipulation if we can’t discover one’s true feelings?
Have you been happy in that sort of relationship?

After all that’s happened, I miss the old me.
Instead of calculating, I want to be honest.
Instead of receiving, I want to give.
Instead of hiding, I want to let out all my feelings…

Can you believe 2008 is almost over?

1.What did you do in 2008 that you’d never done before?    - A lot of things. Keeping it vague.
      First time I went to UP fair with a guy.
      First sem (2nd sem 07-08) I didn’t really go out, I had dates but with  only with one person.
      First time I worked on a co-curricular project.
      First time I got angry in front people.
      First time I made a complete idiot of myself to a boy.
      First time I took a risk.

2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
      -I dont make new year’s resolutions. But this year, I’ll have one. I need to organize my life. I’ve been a complete screw up this SY that I didn’t know what really happened. Perhaps I just lost my drive and simultaneously boys became a distraction. Refer to this for a part of the things I’d like to do next year. So far, I’m convinced that 2009 will be my year. 2008 had its ups early and plunged in the end. But all in all, no regrets because it’s all been good, babes*.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
    - Er, no-one. or at least, we’re not really close.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
    - Close includes immediate family and friends. Thank Gawd, noone.

5. What countries did you visit?
    - Nada. Postponed and rescheduled everything.

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
    - A boyfriend. haha. Kidding. Uhm, I want a commitment (in any aspect) that would build me into a better person. I want to be more responsible and cautious about my actions. I need to grow up already, I’m not getting any younger. I want to be commited to something that I will not give up on. Most of the things I do are partly influenced by sudden whims and mood swings, so if ever I want to be professional about writing and designing, I have to be consistent.

7. What dates from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
     - Feb 9. Birthday at Pancake House Greenbelt. Skipped the Golez Talk for this.
     - Feb 12. UP Fair, Rakestra.
     - Feb 13. Oddvertising Trip
     - Aug 16. Maricar’s Birthday
     - Sept 5. Finally Over.
     - Sept 28. Isang Panaginip na Fili. Play- Ma. Guerrero Theater, Palma Hall.
     - Oct 1. Angas Vid Shoot
     - Oct 19. Last Day of 1st Sem
     - Dec 8. Skipped a Class to bake.
     - Dec 23-24. Wow

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year
     - I think it’s already an achievement that I was able to finish the things I commited to. Also, to achieve something* impossible, that I never imagined I would have or at least share a moment with.

9. What was your biggest failure?
    - The biggest one was when I gave up on some things, on some people. The choices I made risked my relationship with other people. Damn school.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
    - I dont usually get sick. I usually get into accidents but this semester and the last, boy I wanted to give in to the grave. I have this 2 month cough already, but lately its just colds and
a fever. I’ve been feeling really bad since the sembreak til the Christmas break, which actually sucks. Broncho vascular markings have been seen on my xray but doctor says i’m alright. Nothing to be worried about.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
    - I couldn’t think of any that I bought with my own money. There are a lot using my parents’. Wacom Bamboo Tablet, Levis’ Jeans (which costs the same.), etc…

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
   - Maricar. Sayang wala ako nun. and Bianca. Hahaha. Kudos to Lea and Franco, the uber cute couples’ fight.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
   - I mentioned it before in a previous blog entry regarding beliefs.

14. Where did most of your money go?
   - Food of course, as usual.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
   - Uhm, aside from the sembreak. I couldn’t remember eh.

16. What song will always remind you of 2008?
   - Vindicated by Dashboard Confessional.

 
17. Compared to this time last year, are you happier or sadder?
     - Last year was bland. This was a roller coaster ride, feelings fluctuate too often. Almost like a jagged linear graph.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
    - I wish I read more. I wish I payed attention more to the more important things to me. I have to give in to selfishness at times.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
   - Less procrastination. Less dedication to unimportant things. Less fooling around.

20. How did you spend Christmas?
   - Since I was sick* and grounded*, spent it indoors. Gawd, so emo, sorry.

22. Did you fall in love in 2008?
   - Yes. But I dunno if this is just a phase. A friend pointed out that I usually fall in love during Feb coz I know I should be happy coz it’s my birthday and it’ll be Valentines the next week. I’m just not so sure about this December. I felt the peak of emotinal euphoria then plunged into a cliff by having my heart broken. And in love once again.

23. How many …one-night stands?
   - Funny question.

24. What was your favorite TV program?
   - I don’t watch television anymore. I still love to watch Spongebob Squarepants. ^_^v

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
   - Well, yeah.

26. What was the best book you read?
   - The Little Black Book of Stories by A.S. Byatt

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
   - Beethoven 7th Symphony. It relaxes me. Makes me think.

28. What did you want and get? 
   - Oh YOU already know what.

29. What did you want and not get?
   - I guess I didn’t get what I planned for. But its alright. I guess.

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
    - Atonement and The Dark Knight.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
    - I celebrated, a few days after. Ate at Fish and Co, watched the Eye and made it to the UP fair. forget my age, I’m old.

32.What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
    - Because after a plummetting heart (or ego) break, someone gave me the biggest smile of my life. Thank you. Even if you also gave me the worst howl of my life. All is good.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
    - Dressy.

34. What kept you sane?
    - Nothing did.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
    - James McAvoy. So hottt

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
    - I guess, Obama’s campaign. Think, the first black president. I’m expecting something great (for good or bad) to happen. Perhaps it was the recession in the US. I’m sensing a conspiracy issue.

37. Who did you miss?
    - A lot of people. Most of all, I miss my old self.

38. Who was the best new person you met in 2008?
    - Hmm. I really dunno.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008:
    - Not all opportunities should be grabbed. There’ll always be balancing aspect in everything. People should give in to risks once in a while. That’s the only time they’ll be able to be truly happy.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
   - Even if I hate this year. Like really. I gotta love everything that happened. ^_^
    

2009, Gonna Start the Year Right. Make Things Happen.

This is an edited meme post way back in 2004. My gawd, I’ve been blogging since then. ^_^v  Thank gawd, Xanga now has a calendar feature for the weblogs, I was able to get read old entries.

December is Love

 No one could quantify or qualify the feeling of elation and intoxication towards someone. This month it had been a whirlwind of experiences and emotions, one could not dismiss as “nothing.” So for everyone, feeling bitter or better, I’d like to let you all relate

CRUSHES.

You don’t have to do anything. You don’t even have to say anything. If you just sit there, and smile, you should know that for that moment, you lit up my world. 

 - Don’t you just miss that feeling where a simple glimpse of him/her could make your ears flutter with joy? Remember that moment when you can’t stop looking at him/her, as it puts a big grin on your face? Don’t you miss blushing, at the sight of him looking at you and you looking away to avoid his stare?

FALLING.

 Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was by choice, but falling in love with you was completely beyond my control.

- I love this line (Thanks Maricar). It somehow perfectly describes everything that happened Don’t you ever wonder why, despite the “why are you with him?” lines said for the nth time, doesn’t bother me? Don’t you ever wonder why  I stuck around even after I’m supposed to hate you?  It’s because it was a choice to be your friend, and friends don’t easily give up on each other no matter what. They continually give them unlimited chances. ^_^v

FALLING DEEPLY. 

Commitment is the component of love. Short term commitment is the decision that one loves someone. The long term aspect is the commitment to maintain that love.

-Robert Steinberg 

- Decisions have to be made, and its always a yes or no choice, not maybe, not later, decide now. Because the moment’s fleeting and you’ll never have that exact moment again. After commitment, it’s not just about the other person anymore. It’s already about the two of you, making decisions about what you two have. To be committed is putting an end with the mind games because you have to stop thinking about yourself and start thinking about the other person and everything between the two of you. ^_^

FALLING MADLY. 

 Love is a quantum wavefunction. It is reversible. It permeates all space. It is deterministic, that is without our meter sticks poking at it. It should be left alone without our deranged expectations-slash-equations which are predictable in theory but not in practice.

- angel, peyups.com

- I now get what this quote means. There will be times when your feeling fluctuate, either reaching rock bottom or sky rocketing… surpassing even the graph itself. It cannot be constrained by rules and lines. It is ildefind and undetermined. 

LABELS.

 In practice, relationship, unlike love that is irreducible in nature and defies all boundaries, is subject to space-time constraints. Space-time constraints, meaning it is not non local and it is time-dependent. Uncertainty principle applies to relationships, it inevitably contains improbability. And while we’re at it; by measuring, expecting, demanding too little or too much, we break the symmetry.

- Chant : Fairy Tale Monologues II: The Quantum Wavefunction of Love, Angel - peyups.com

Enough said. 

BROKEN.

Every moment of pain, weakness, and discomfort puts you in a positon to choose how you will react and how you will alleviate your condition. Calling him doesn’t make it better.. it only pulls you back into the cycle of heartbreak. He is the past. You are the future.   -

It’s Called a Breakup Because It’s Brokenby Greg Behrendt and Amira Ruotola-Behrendt

- You had enough and you know it. Save yourself from those agonizing days waiting for his call, waiting for his name to pop up, waiting and waiting for those what ifs to become a reality. But you know what? It’s not worth it. It’s never worth it to wait for someone who continually lets each day pass not to be with you. If there were reasonable excuses, it would have resurfaced immediately, he would’ve told you, despite the fear of looking stupid. He would have made an effort to let you know. He would have made enough effort to re-assure you that he has FEELINGS for you, to not make you look like a napkin that you throw once you’re done jacking off. 

NOT INTO YOU.

 He is a man made up entirely of your excuses.  And the minute you stop making excuses for him, he will completely disappear from your life.

-He’s Just Not That Into Youby Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo

Stop thinking about your mistakes. Start evaluating him/her.  Stop thinking you’re such a bad person, and he /she  isn’t? Aw c’meon. 

The days that passed by are already the number of chances that you gave him, so enough is enough. Move on. Exes are a thing of the past, so no more looking back unless you are planning to go that way. It’s a sad fact that there are just some things that you have to give up. It’s the only way you’ll ever find the happiness that you deserve. 

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